Man and Mother

To the man in her life from the mother who’s lost her children,

I take a look at you
And I don’t know why
When I really see you
I can do nothing but cry

The children I once knew
I used to spend every day with
Are not here with me

Perhaps it’s your wound I see
From the neglect of your own mother
That draws me to your child
And brings out the mother in me

My need to nurture
A man who does not require
Stand up! Sit down! Do as I say!
Then my Love you shall acquire

I shall bathe you, feed you
Clothe you and heal you
My teachings will inspire
And bring you through the fire

Here you are, Be a Man!
I declare
From my prideful, arrogant
And un-humble air

I can take you from
Child to Man
I want to hear you exclaim
I AM!!!

There you go, on your way
You see pretty girls
Fast cars and sovereign self
Nearly every single day

My jealousy can sometimes
Get the better of me
Do you know how difficult it is
To set you completely free?

What are you up to
Out from my watchful eyes
You tell me nothing
Although I do pry

To be jealous of all that moves
Because you don’t give
Me credit for how
I raised you

What do I want?
To be your mother of your lover?
This will drive me mad
And you into the arms of another

So hard for me
To treat you like a man
When I need to nurture
While my children are away

I grab hold, I cling to you
In every possible way
To fill my holes
To get you to stay

Oh, hear me darling
Hear me now
My heart aches
1000 times the pain
Of death
To give it all up
My whole life I surrender
For you?
For me?
For God, I make myself believe
Is it all worth it?
The wicked validation
I crave from you

Helps me feel that
My life has purpose
Some sort of value
I cannot teach my kids
So I shall try to teach you

I’ll compromise
I’ll pray
I’ll justify
I’ll whine
All for but another
Moment of your time

This is sickness, I know
I acknowledge and agree
The foolish game I play
Was created by me

Don’t teach me
But I’ll teach you
The nauseous hypocrisy
The unsatisfying greed

I just want to be heard
My opinions validated
This war in my heart
Is simply overrated

So I sink to my knees
On the floor with my womb
And I pray to God
“Help me out of this tomb!”

The prison I’ve crafted
To torture myself
To keep feeling unworthy
In the guilt trap I dwell

I feel miserable
What have I done?
I’ve sacrificed my children
Instead of myself

How to digest this
It’s substitutes I seek
Justification, anxiety
Wanting to please society

Take a look
Have a peak
I say I am strong
But really I am weak
I substitute you
For missing my kids
Didn’t know that I did
Do what I did

I come to you
Tail between my legs
Not to ask your forgiveness
Certainly not to beg

But to apologize
For my behavior
Until I saw my own way

What to do now
I so miss my kids
Shall I teach? Shall I coach?
More minds to corrupt?

All I can do now is pray
For all the miracles
In my life everyday

Inevitably I sink
Back into my peace
Feelings of lack, shame
Guilt and unworthiness
Eventually cease

For they are God’s children
Not even mine
No one owns nothing
Nothing less than Divine

Back to my God roots
My foundation to pray
I’m so grateful for my life
And all I witness each day

For all of the magic
And the power of friends
The humans, the animals
Simple nature
Guides me home yet again.

~ Gail Trojanowski 
January 30, 2014