Suicide
Nothing I do seems to matter
I feel completely unloved and unseen
No one says I love you
No one hears me scream
In this pit of Hell
I walk
I sit
I pray
Seems to me I feel
More and more
Worthless
Every single day
What happened to my training?
What became of my life?
It’s all for nothing
Just a load of despair and strife
Live your life with passion
Do something to inspire others
Become One with
Your sisters and brothers
I DON’T WANT TO TEACH
I DON’T WANT TO HELP
I JUST WANT TO BE AND LIVE
SELFISHILY FOR MYSELF!!!
I cannot offer anything
In this world that’s not real
Patronizing bullshit
Fakeness is all I feel
I don’t care about mortality
I don’t even contemplate death
I just want to break through this
And breathe another authentic breath
GMO’d food
Scarred Fracking of the Earth
Fraudulent smiles to cover their pain
Meaningless, there’s no worth
I just want to vomit
Be rid of all this shit
Exorcize the demons
Bleed out this bloody fit
I cannot sing, feel joy
Or dance or play
I only feel the suffering
Of humans everyday
I AM the voice of shadow
This realm of fear and heartache
Tuning in to the song
Humility is all it takes
Engulfed in the snowy flames
The Godless void I know
Surrounded of harsh cold
Rejection feels so low
GOD why can’t I pray!
Why do I feel so stuck!
Digging into a whole new pit
Of solid sludge and muck!
Get me out
Help me, I say
Remember
I desire to pray
Everyone else is doing it
Comparing this and that
Going about their business
Yet I feel so flat
I am the victim crab
In the too deep pot
Clawing at the others
Wanting them to rot
So I’ll give it up
I’ll cut and go away
Sever all the cords
Quietly shrink away
I reach out for help
No one is there to care
They look at me “You’re crazy”
Empty faces stare
“You need help”, they say
“But not the kind I can give
My life is worth more than yours
Go away, I want to live
I say I have time for you,
But really don’t want to see that death is at your door
Because if I do, I’ll see me too
To much for me to store”
So I go back to being alone
So empty on the inside
Rejection and the loneliness
God, but didn’t I try?
I gave it my best shot
I tried everything I could do
It just didn’t seem enough
To bring me back to You
Overwhelming in this self
Adventures along the way
I’ve lived, I’ve loved
Known perfect beauty everyday
Doesn’t seem to matter
What I do or don’t do
It all feels apocalyptic
Caged up in a zoo
Enough I reckon
I’ve said it all before
Goodbye ya'll
As I lay my head once more
Gail Trojanowski
- April 25, 2014