False Gratitude
False Gratitude and Expectations lead to Resentment
“Thank you so much” I say.
“You are welcome” is your response, as if inviting me to freely “come” and drink from the offering of your “well”.
I say “Thank You” without thought, without feeling, without really realizing what I am saying. Ingrained as a child to constantly and immediately say “Thank You” as much as possible. It becomes habit, meaningless words, something to verbally spew onto someone else just because I was told to be polite. “If you don't say Thank You it means you have no respect for the other person.”
Does it? Have you ever tried to not say Thank You just to explore what would happen? Someone holds the door open for you and you just walk in without acknowledging the other person's act of generosity. On purpose! What would happen? How do you feel? Does the world stop spinning? Do you feel bad about not being polite? Can you be in silent gratitude and say Thank You without your voice?
I have held the door open on SO many occasions (and not just a physical door either), and have experienced the occasional silent treatment. No acknowledgment, no smile, no Thank You for holding the door open from me. “Bitch!” I scream from my inside! “How rude you are! Do you even notice that I am standing here on my own free time, waiting for you to walk through and you don't even have the decency to acknowledge me?” I have felt this judgement rise up within me, and it used to catapult me into resentment for hours or days even. My life would stop and I would find anyone who would listen to me to complain to and agree with the victimness I was feeling so that I could justify my egoic position of being right. To feel like I mattered in some sort of significant way.
The question and honest answer that finally relieved me of this pain of judgment was “Am I? Am I really doing this because I want to? Out of my own free will?” Most of the time the answer was no. I am holding the door open, letting another car in, stepping aside so someone else could get by, letting the person behind me in the grocery store with one item go ahead of me because I have a full cart, putting everyone else's needs before mine, etc. out of habit. A habit that was formed whilst growing up. To be polite. To be a good person. To grasp at the possible thread of someone else seeing me and saying “Thank You” so I can value myself and know that I am a good, humble person. This is not my free will. This was pre-programed belief systems unconsciously running my life.
So I did and still experiment with my ego and freewill constantly and consciously. Sometimes I'll go into a place and not hold the door on purpose even when I know there is someone just behind me. A lot of times I feel guilty, like an indecent human being who doesn't care about anyone else. I want to say sorry and explain my experiment so that they will know that I wasn't trying to be mean to them on purpose. But that would be lying too... I was trying something different on purpose. It is my definition that says it is “mean”
In the places that I realize that I have no attachment to any outcome, no need for any recognition whatsoever, I feel truly free. And sometimes I find that I do have a desire to be recognized. I want to be seen, heard, felt, acknowledged. This is the place where I am not connecting to my soul, to God. I reach out to others like a famished vampire, and instead of blood, I greedily crave the energetic connection that I expect to satiate my hunger and fill my holes. Of course, it never does, I can never really fill myself up in this state. When I come back to my own body, recognize that this is what I am doing, I can immediately shift. Instead of beating myself up and feeling guilty for the blood or energy I have taken from another, I can ask and forgive myself, feeling the emotions that come up that have me hungry.
“Thank you so much” I say.
“You are welcome” is your response, as if inviting me to freely “come” and drink from the offering of your “well”.
I say “Thank You” without thought, without feeling, without really realizing what I am saying. Ingrained as a child to constantly and immediately say “Thank You” as much as possible. It becomes habit, meaningless words, something to verbally spew onto someone else just because I was told to be polite. “If you don't say Thank You it means you have no respect for the other person.”
Does it? Have you ever tried to not say Thank You just to explore what would happen? Someone holds the door open for you and you just walk in without acknowledging the other person's act of generosity. On purpose! What would happen? How do you feel? Does the world stop spinning? Do you feel bad about not being polite? Can you be in silent gratitude and say Thank You without your voice?
I have held the door open on SO many occasions (and not just a physical door either), and have experienced the occasional silent treatment. No acknowledgment, no smile, no Thank You for holding the door open from me. “Bitch!” I scream from my inside! “How rude you are! Do you even notice that I am standing here on my own free time, waiting for you to walk through and you don't even have the decency to acknowledge me?” I have felt this judgement rise up within me, and it used to catapult me into resentment for hours or days even. My life would stop and I would find anyone who would listen to me to complain to and agree with the victimness I was feeling so that I could justify my egoic position of being right. To feel like I mattered in some sort of significant way.
The question and honest answer that finally relieved me of this pain of judgment was “Am I? Am I really doing this because I want to? Out of my own free will?” Most of the time the answer was no. I am holding the door open, letting another car in, stepping aside so someone else could get by, letting the person behind me in the grocery store with one item go ahead of me because I have a full cart, putting everyone else's needs before mine, etc. out of habit. A habit that was formed whilst growing up. To be polite. To be a good person. To grasp at the possible thread of someone else seeing me and saying “Thank You” so I can value myself and know that I am a good, humble person. This is not my free will. This was pre-programed belief systems unconsciously running my life.
So I did and still experiment with my ego and freewill constantly and consciously. Sometimes I'll go into a place and not hold the door on purpose even when I know there is someone just behind me. A lot of times I feel guilty, like an indecent human being who doesn't care about anyone else. I want to say sorry and explain my experiment so that they will know that I wasn't trying to be mean to them on purpose. But that would be lying too... I was trying something different on purpose. It is my definition that says it is “mean”
In the places that I realize that I have no attachment to any outcome, no need for any recognition whatsoever, I feel truly free. And sometimes I find that I do have a desire to be recognized. I want to be seen, heard, felt, acknowledged. This is the place where I am not connecting to my soul, to God. I reach out to others like a famished vampire, and instead of blood, I greedily crave the energetic connection that I expect to satiate my hunger and fill my holes. Of course, it never does, I can never really fill myself up in this state. When I come back to my own body, recognize that this is what I am doing, I can immediately shift. Instead of beating myself up and feeling guilty for the blood or energy I have taken from another, I can ask and forgive myself, feeling the emotions that come up that have me hungry.